1. If you keep your house clean every single day of your life but one, you’ll find unannounced guests on your doorstep on that very day. You’ll try to brush off the state of upheaval that has taken over your home and assure the unannounced guests that you’re normally very clean and tidy. But when they just look at you with that special look that very clearly says they aren’t buying it, you’ll suddenly remember these same guests appeared on your doorstep on that other day when you failed to clean. So there you have it…you’ve kept your house reasonably presentable on every single day of your life but two and the same unannounced guests appeared both days. The problem is not you it is them.
2. If you hand your toddler a small sack of trash and tell him to go throw it “out” do not expect it to end up in the trash can. He’ll hear the word out and and it sounds nothing at all like trash can. Naturally, he’ll pry open the front door and he’ll give that sack a good throw, just as you’ve instructed him to. Of course, you won’t realize he’s done this until the UPS man knocks on the door and you answer to find him standing in a scattering of debris. Listen closely: Do not try to explain. UPS men are notorious for being in a hurry. He doesn’t care about your trash so stop bothering him already!
3. If you think you are home alone and that it’s safe to sing and dance with abandon while you clean the kitchen, you will almost certainly find that someone has sneaked back into the house and is watching. You’ll be so lost in the moment that at first you won’t notice. But when you throw your head back and really belt out that high note in your pathetic voice that doesn’t hit high notes, you’ll hear the laughter. You’ll die a little inside but don’t let them know it. If things get really dicey you may just have to remind them they inherited your terrifying voice and then you can stand back and watch as the color drains from their face.
4. Cinnamon and cayenne are not interchangeable in a dessert recipe. Don’t ask.
5. Your child may know her multiplication tables inside and out but if a random stranger decides to test out the math skills of your homeschool-er she will suddenly lose all grasp of even the simplest addition problems. Don’t panic. According to new educational standards, as long as she can explain her wrong answer she isn’t really wrong. Whew!
6. If you beg and plead your teenager to go running with you, even resorting to ribbing him about being too wimpy to lace up his shoes and hit the pavement, you’d better be able to make it more than 100 yards before you twist your knee. Seriously, this is no joking matter. He will walk the remainder of the 4 mile route with you but he will not do so without reminding you that you’re getting older and you need to go easy on yourself.
7. It was okay to talk to yourself when you were a kid. Nobody thought twice about it. At this stage in your life, however, that is no longer the case. If you must do it, whisper.
8. In this age of extreme social media you can pretty much count on the most unflattering pictures of yourself making the rounds. Worse still is when someone tags you in them so all the world knows, without a doubt, that it’s you. Be informed…there is an untag button for a reason. Use with abandon.
9. Two things there is never enough of in a house where children reside: Noise and dirt. Are you now wondering what else I lie about?
10. Your days may be filled with dishes, laundry, sticky floors and so many questions that your head spins you into bed at night but when your posse of kids scrambles for the spots on and around you during family worship, you’ll remember why you do it in the first place. And you’ll decide it isn’t so bad, after all!